Read People Like a Book

I recently bought another psychology book at the bookstore. As I read it, I thought of myself, and the people I interact with daily and how some principles do or do not apply to me and them.

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Chapter 1

Motivation is the root of all behaviors in humans – understanding what motivates them will help us understand them better.

To understand others, one must understand oneself (what are our biases, and expectations) to see things more objectively.

Significant motivation factor: pleasure over pain – next time you meet someone, you can ask yourself what kind of pleasure are they getting (and what pain they avoid) by the actions they’re doing.

The ego defense mechanism is another big motivation: negation, rationalization, projection, and suppression.

Chapter 2

Body language is deep in our DNA – we evolved as non-verbal creatures initially. We should open ourselves to the data from a channel we haven’t learned to be aware of. Contracted vs relaxed state: relaxed/friendly people will not be contracted and be more spontaneous.

Gather sufficient data before making a decision, knowing someone’s character baseline is key to understanding them – allows us to pay attention to deviations. Context is also important. Body language is another tool in our toolset.

Instead of just talking to the person talking to you, maintain situational awareness. Pay attention to how they move their body, their eyes, their face, …

Chapter 3

Some well-known personality tests:

• OCEAN: Conscientiousness (efficient/organized vs. extravagant/careless), Agreeableness (friendly/compassionate vs. critical/rational), Neuroticism (sensitive/nervous vs. resilient/confident), Openness to experience (inventive/curious vs. consistent/cautious), Extraversion (outgoing/energetic vs. solitary/reserved)
• MBTI: Introversion (general attitude, opp. Extraversion), Sensing (how you accept info, opp. Intuition), Thinking (how you process info, opp. Feeling), Judging (how you apply info, opp. Perceiving)
• Enneagram: Reformer (Perfectionist), Helper (Giver), Achiever (Performer), Individualist (Romantic), Investigator (Observer), Loyalist (Loyal Skeptic), Enthusiast (Epicure), Challenger (Protector), Peacemaker (Mediator)

General process: understand the different test measurements, observe people (do metathinking often!), and see where they could fit – you might get useful info, but can also miscategorize people and make errors in judgment.

When you meet someone, try to see where they lie on the spectrum of these traits (e.g. introvert/extrovert), by keeping in mind their body language, behavior, and all contextual information available. See what they pay attention to, do they like to talk about facts/ideas or abstract plans, or do they talk about people and interpersonal relationships? Consider their general attitude towards life – are they relaxed or constantly planning and making decisions?

Interestingly, some other living creatures can also be characterized using the ideas above. For example, I was observing a stray cat the other day. Even though the cat had a visible injury (very likely as a result of its curiosity), it was still curious – so one may argue that is a core characteristic of that particular cat.

Chapter 4

Revealing lies is most precise when 1) you have a solid baseline of the person; 2) the person lying is spontaneous (didn’t prep); 3) there is a good chance that the lie will be uncovered may make the liar more nervous. If you are aware of your biases, expectations, and subconscious beliefs, you have a better chance of detecting fraud.

When someone is lying, you can ask questions (that can’t be answered with a simple yes/no), carefully follow what the person is saying, and push them (subtly – remain calm, do not appear like a detective) such that they will give you the information themselves. Your interaction should be strategic and proactive. Few examples:

• You should focus on observing sudden changes in their confidence, speed of speech, etc.
• Liars usually tell everything at once (since they’re well prepared); truth-tellers don’t, but can easily answer follow-up questions.
• Lying (compared to telling the truth) has a big cognitive load due to making up a convincing story. You can apply even more cognitive load to the already loaded (and lying) mind.
• You can start the conversation with them about how honest of a person they are in general – this may encourage them to be more honest in subsequent discussions.
• You can even tell a few lies as well (contribute to their lies) to get an even better understanding of their baseline personality.

Chapter 5

Thin Slicing – finding patterns and predicting behavior using a small amount of data (relying on intuition). The key aspect is speed, as this happens subconsciously. Best way to read people: use both conscious and subconscious, and be aware when both are used and what trade-offs they have (e.g. biases, etc.)

How people use words may give insights. Few questions to ask yourself:

• Has the way someone has written a message to you made you think more about them?
• Have you been convinced by someone who used some specific words?
• Does the person use words to create an atmosphere of solidarity/closeness or are they trying to exclude you using the game of power?
• Does the person imitate your language – repeat parts of phrases that you use? May indicate conformity and harmony.

(Self-)Observing is not hard, you only have to do it consciously. Our default choice of words is a result of our character, biases, expectations, beliefs, and opinions:

• Positive people avoid using words like “tired of it”/”hate it”/”sick of it”.
• Liars tend to avoid phrases like “X did Y and that caused Z to…” because it’s complex to keep in mind (cognitive load).
• If someone uses jargon when it’s not the time for it – they want to be considered smart.
• Someone who uses the “royal we” wants to be on the same side with you vs someone who keeps using “me”/”myself”/”I”.
• Using a phrase such as “I insulted him” vs “he is insulted” (avoid taking the blame).

Asking questions allows us to infer some things about the person by extrapolating (estimating). Questions such as “What makes me happy?” is a direct question that makes people come up with an answer out of nothing. These types of questions give us a good baseline of people. A few more useful questions:

• Do they truly smile, or fake smile?
• Do they care about how they dress/look, or not?
• How much effort does it look like they put into their dressing style?

We can also infer a lot from people’s homes. In general, there are three categories: objects that reveal their identity, objects that can be used to regulate emotions, and other kinds of objects (empty bottles, unfinished books on the table, etc.) that might give you more insights into their habits.

• Is their home open for other people, or more closed?
• What kind of pictures are hanging on the wall?
• Is the furniture minimalistic?
• Is the house too clean (perhaps neurotic)?
• What do they spend money on, and what do they want other people to see in their homes?
• What kind of music do they listen to? Wallet, shoes, photos, …
• At what time do they usually respond to you? One research shows that nightbirds are more introverted and narcissistic.

People on social networks usually show their true “I” rather than their ideal, depending on what kind of pictures they post, things they share, etc.

Thoughts and intentions matter, but if they are not actionable, they are useless.

A few more examples of indirect questions:

• What’s your greatest accomplishment? Career. Why does this person consider their career their greatest accomplishment? Because this requires independence, persistence, and determination – reveal the core values of this person.
• What kind of a character would you create in a video game? Imagine they have specific points they can choose on charisma, intelligence, etc. This may reveal their ideal self.
• What charity would you donate to? Shows their views of the world, beyond just their personal life.
• Which animal describes you the best? Did they choose herbivorous or carnivore, domestic or wild? This question adds depth and color to your understanding of that person.
• What’s your favorite movie? The kind of stories/characters they like.

Hypothetical questions surround the defensive mechanism and let people honestly reveal useful information as they encourage people to think beyond predictable answers and stimulate familiar thoughts. Read between the lines of the answers – critical thinking, evaluation, and thinking are key skills.